If you know me at all, I will very easily admit that I love American Horror Story. I firmly believe even the worst episode of AHS is better than most episodes of other television shows. That being said, I like to pretend I’m close enough to Ryan Murphy (Note: I am not close to Ryan Murphy at all, we have never met) to poke fun at the show a little. Below are 62 things that went through my head while watching the first episode of this year’s season. There are only a few spoilers here, but there’s a whole lotta’ sass.

"This story may contain disturbing images." Nice, after we saw the gross dead pig, now you warn us?!
Thank God Lily Rabe is in this season, she’s the best.
Where is Evan Peters?
Hmmm. Lily and Sarah look very similar this season.
Oh that's on purpose. Got it.
Sarah Paulson can cry on screen like a BOSS!
Wow, this night is rough for you guys.
Lily Rabe is flawless.
Nothing says “new city, new life” like a hand out the window shot.
"We were in the woods having fun" ... Like yah’ do...
"... And we found ourselves the most beautiful old farm house" A beautiful old farm house that was conveniently empty and unlocked.
The universe wanted to be us to be there at that moment". And if by the universe you mean scary ghost pilgrims, then yeah. The universe does want you to be there.
He asked you what your bid was...you're at an auction, and you didn't bring a bid?
No worries, he didn't really give you a moment to respond anyway.
"What's wrong the property?" Hurricanes you say, new hillbilly friend? He seems trustworthy, let's go with that guys. Time to go.
Guys, come on. He said we don't want this house. Let's go.
YOU BID $25,000?! We did not discuss this!
Oh now we're at $40,000. This escalated quickly.
Maturity award goes to hillbilly #3 who spit on the property.
What, Shelby? Scary pig noises and ghosts beating on your door don't turn you on?
Shelby really doesn’t want you to go down there.
And where are you going, Matt? Down there. Cool cool cool. Your listening skills are amazing.
“At first I thought it was a raccoon..." Sorry, where have you heard of a raccoon tearing a hole through a trash can?
"Or a bear..." Okay, fine. Where have you heard of a bear that tore a hole through a trash can?
"But a bear didn't do this.." Everyone! The character of Matt MUST be hired him as a detective for every serious case involving animals. He is NAILING it.
So now that the trashcan was thrown at you, do you still think it's a raccoon?
"When you see something like that a lot of crazy thoughts go through your head" Nop. Only thought I have is: RUN.
Those pilgrims must have been bougie as hell if they had a skylight and you can see the hail storm through it.
Oh no, wait. That's teeth. My mistake.
The tooth fairy would be going WILD on this set.
"Shelby was literally shaking.", but her hair looks on POINT.
Shelby's wardrobe this season looks Fall comfy AF.
Okay so, Evan Peters is coming soon right?
Good for you! Nothing can tear you apart. Except for maybe a killer raccoon that tears through trashcans, then throws them at people. That could probably tear you apart.
Did Sarah Paulson learn yoga for this?!
I don't feel great about you having a large knife and the bear raccoon is outside.
This TV show within a TV show is super realistic.
Note to self: Put blinds on the inside of house, remove shutters on outside of house.
I would not be outside alone right now. Sarah, you've been through 5 other seasons. You know better than this.
Yes, let's keep track of the wine. Proud of you, Shelby. You treat yo’ self in that hot tub.
Yeah cop, what do you mean she “claimed” to have struggled? I dunno about you ladies, but I always like to lie about struggling. Just to mess with people. It's hilarious. :-/
If the hillbillies “aren't so easy to find”, how do you know where to find them to talk to them?
I feel like Cuba's Matt is not as stylish as the real life version Matt. Who was the hypothetical stylists on this hypothetical show?!
Shelby, why don't you want to live in a haunted house surrounded by the ghosts of pilgrims? Man, this chick is really over reacting, amiright?
Oh good. The pig noises are back, I missed them.
You say scary dead pig, I say tomorrow night’s barbecue. Honestly, these ghosts seem rather helpful.
You're just going to touch that pig with your bare hands?!
You know who would know how to deal with that pig? Evan Peters. Just sayin’.
I mean...you got shot because you were sympathizing with a poor baby in a drug den. That's a pretty solid reason to stop for a moment. At least you didn't get distracted because you were coloring or perusing old Facebook photos. Give yourself a break, ma'am!
“ I hate assholes.” Personally, I don't know a lot of people who like assholes...
Adina Porter is Gods gift to acting, everyone.
Shelby is STOKED about that seasoning.
Another knife, Shelby?! Have you learned nothing?
Again, helpful ghosts. You were going to cut that meat anyway.
“Mama’s still packing!” BAM!
Hmmmm sensors triggered by men with torches? So weird. Sounds a lot like Shelby's story about the guys with torches...
Those crafty pilgrims would kill at the Pinterest game! Look at the technique of those voodoo dolls!
You couldn't believe she wanted to leave, Matt? I could. Probably because she literally said, "We have to leave."... so I don't know how she could have been more clear.
Yowza, Shelby. Eyes on the road. Guess that's why we have Bluetooth. #PSA
Walk it off, Kathy Bates, walk it off. You only got hit with a car, you’ll be fine.
I don't think this was the kind of moving earth Carole King was talking about.
Fam’s all here! So happy Uncle bloody face and Aunt with torch could make game night!

If you enjoyed my sarcasm, make sure to follow me tonight as I live tweet! Follow me @HorrorEquity or @Mullis_Sarah, and let’s see what Ryan Murphy has up his sleeve for episode two!